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The uninhabitable galaxy

Guest blog by Peter Deutsch-Doveking, the director of the International Bureau for the Galaxy Salvation from a Cow Fart (IBGSCF)

In the July 10th issue of the NY Magazine, David Wallace-Wells talks about the looming uninhabitable Earth. The climate Armageddon will much worse than any person in the world can even imagine. He points out that the people who imagine the cities like Boston and New York to be flooded by the rising seas after the Antarctica melts are basically just deniers. These people are just touching the surface because the actual horrors will be much worse.

He divides some of the problems to sections titled I. Doomsday, II. Heat Death, III. The End of Food, IV. Climate Plagues, V. Unbreathable Air, VI. Perpetual War, VII. Permanent Economic Collapse, VIII. Poisoned Oceans. There are hardcore deniers such as those at Grist.org who seem to reject even these self-evident catastrophes – even though 99.9997% of the world's climate scientists say that they are real – but the actual truth is that even David Wallace-Wells' views only touch the surface because we're facing much worse events.




I. Permanent impotency

Some contrarians have said that they don't care about the uninhabitable Earth because they may still enjoy coitus. They are wrong. It won't work. If we fail to establish the world government, the organs of the violent sex will never get hard again. Why is it so? As you may know, erection is an example of freezing. Blood turns into eyes. How does the body achieve this phase transition? It simply catches the ice particles that are coming from the Antarctica through the air.




If there's no longer any ice in the Antarctica – and we're just several gallons of petrol away from the complete melting of the Antarctica – there won't be any erection-making particles from the Antarctica in the air and the hard-on because a matter of the past. The mankind will only be able to survive with the help of Stephen Hawking whose organ is connected to a different system.

II. The end of transportation

Stephen Hawking has proposed another simple algorithm for the mankind to survive: Before the Earth warms by another 0.1 °C and dies, why don't we simply escort all the humans to a more hospitable planet such as Jupiter? If things were so easy. The problem is that rockets and airplanes won't work. In fact, they are already starting to fail. It has already been observed that the airplanes don't take off because of global warming.

After a few more million tons of the carbon dioxide emissions, all airplanes, rockets, and cars will stop working.

III. Melting of coins and credit cards

Wallace-Wells has proposed some mild, optimistic scenarios how the economy will fail. But in reality, it will fail soon and totally. First of all, global warming will make all plastic credit cards and then also coins and Bitcoins to melt. The computers will get overheated as well which is why online banking will malfunction and break.

People – who will already be moved to the Antarctica where they have the last chance not to die of heat waves – will start to eat the melting credit cards, nickels, and each other.

IV. End of drinking and evaporation of the oceans

Also, Wallace-Wells talks about the poisoned oceans. In reality, oceans will evaporate. Right, the global mean temperature is some 15 °C which is 288 kelvins. One more degree and it will be 289 kelvins. The relationship between 15 and 289 is very complicated but there is one relationship that you can notice almost immediately: 289 is greater than 100. So the oceans will abruptly start to boil and evaporate.



The evaporated oceans will stop the production of beer, soda, wine, and weeks later, even the production of Brando with electrolytes will come to a halt. In the video above, the most brilliant people of the Earth who have been hired by the United Nations – and led by Christiana Figueres – have discussed the replacement of Brando with water. But even that will be impossible.

V. Melting of the nuclei and constant nuclear blasts

Thankfully, the nuclei inside each atom won't evaporate: the temperature will still be too low for that. But they will melt away. That is enough for nuclear transmutations similar to those in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. If you want to imagine what your city or village is going to look like in a few years, check the pictures from the Japanese cities. Mushrooms in the forest will be replaced with nuclear mushrooms.

VI. Nuclear global warming epidemics spreading to other planets and stars

There is another simple reason why the transfer of the mankind to another planet as proposed by Stephen Hawking won't work. They will be destroyed as well. The experts call the lethal process "chain reaction". Like all dangerous things in the world, it is caused by global warming. The melted nuclei are randomly being shot from one planet to another – for example, from the Earth to Jupiter. As a result, the infection of global warming quickly spreads to other planets in the Solar System and then other planets in our galaxy.

First, the lethal SUVs are transferred like that and the nuclear mushrooms follow in a month. Have you been dreaming about saving your life on Jupiter? Forget it. Jupiter is doomed, too, and so is Sirius and most likely the Andromeda Galaxy, too.

VII. The Big Bang is restored

A very long time ago, more than 6,000 years, the Universe was created in the so-called Big Bang. It was rather warm to start with and for centuries, it was cooling down – the process is depicted as the shaft of the hockey stick. However, in the recent 100 years, the temperature began to grow again. We're approaching the same high temperatures that haven't been seen in this Universe since the Big Bang. If Americans don't prevent Donald Trump from leaving the Paris Agreement, the temperature will immediately jump to the levels last seen when God was creating animals during his one-week-long career as the Cosmic life producer-in-chief.

Because time will go backwards, the humans, animals, and other pieces of Creation will be uncreacted – or annihilated, as the experts say it using their advanced jargon. In fact, the most credible source of news CNN just announced that the era of biological annihilation has already begun.

I can't tell you the worst three transformations of the life in the Universe because you would immediately die of a heart attack if you saw these things. But I am sure that I have made the case. You should send billions of dollars to our International Bureau for the Galaxy Salvation from a Cow Fart (IBGSCF) so that we have a chance to unelect Donald Trump, reduce the cows' flatulence by 5%, and save the galaxy.

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